Sweet Jesus: Stupid Conservatives and Singing Brewer and Shipley to Deal with Food Paparazzi and Grade School Art Projects

When it comes to the latest trends in the food world, dessert is never left out.  In fact, it seems to turn over more quickly than vegetables like kale and cauliflower.  In the past few years alone, for example, we have seen the peak and trough of cupcakes and donuts.  With the emergence of any of these trends, you can count on three things; a flurry of such shop openings on every street corner, a simultaneous spike in prices and people lining up to hop on the bandwagon.

The newest dessert trend is ice cream.  Despite the fact it doesn’t travel really well, people are flocking to dairy bars across the city looking for the latest spin on the simple treat.  The latest to throw their cone in the vat is Sweet Jesus. Located at King and John, this small space offers coffee and churros all day (I tried these as well and must say both the coffee and  churros with cajeta was more than acceptable)  and at noon the ice cream insanity begins.  The crowd arrives and cramps into the small space while snapping pictures like they are stalking celebrities on the red carpet at the Bell Lightbox around the corner.  I guess one cannot have too many photos of coffee bags and neon signs.

Americano ($3) and Churros ($4)
Americano ($3) and Churros ($4)

In order to calm my nerves in the midst of selfie sticks and indecisive foodies, I started humming  Brewer and Shipley’s “One Toke Over the Line” in my head. This 1971 song cracked the top 10 in the US and Canada and was deemed a gospel song by Lawrence Welk despite the fact vice-president at the time Spiro Agnew called the duo subversive to the youth of America in another example of classic conservative naivety, stupidity and confusion. Regardless…it has a nice melody so I went to my happy place signing “It’s a joke that I am in line at Sweet Jesus” over and over again in my head amidst the chaos.

The menu is pretty simple.  There are 4 kinds of soft serve available (marshmallow, vanilla, chocolate and raspberry lemonade) available for $3.75 in which you can have dipped for a dollar.  There are also a dozen or so jacked-up, fancy cones for $6.  You can also get a $4 Mexican popsicle if so inclined.   I went with the lemon coconut cream pie which is exactly like it sounds.  You order, give your name, pay (cash, debit or credit) and wait in the mob until your name is called. Each cone (the base being the old school cones you would get at any parlour) is carefully constructed like a school art project using squirt bottles (eg. for the lemon curd) and plastic containers (eg. for the coconut). In other cases, marshmallows are hand placed on the ice cream tower like Christmas decorations on a tree.  It’s horribly inefficient and time consuming but I suppose it rumbles up the same internal thrill as watching Giuseppe make you a table side Caesar salad at a outdated  Italian joint.  The product itself was acceptable but far from mind-blowing and six bucks is way too much despite the American-like  portion size.  The soft serve itself was more icy than creamy and the toppings became monotonous quickly.

Lemon Coconut Cream Pie Cone ($6)
Lemon Coconut Cream Pie Cone ($6)

My Take

I don’t know why I partake in standing in line for food.  I think it’s an attempt to try and understand the psyche of a foodie.  I would love to do a brain scan to assess the part of the brain that glows red while one is standing in line waiting for the latest trend.  I have never been a lover of crowds.  Sweaty bars and mosh pits make me cringe as much as selfie sticks.  I suppose if there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow as a result it would be worth it but I couldn’t say that somebody’s B minus art project fits into that category.  In the end, Sweet Jesus was not worth the hassle.  The line was long, the setup was inefficient and the product wasn’t mind-blowing.  The staff were nice though and I commend them for continuing to smile while the food paparazzi  made ordering ice cream seem like a Drake sighting.  For now, I’ll leave the soft serve to Costco and the art to my grade school son.

Sweet Jesus Menu, Reviews, Photos, Location and Info - Zomato


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